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Pedro! What have you got for me today? Uh, hi Mister Jobs, well if you look at your email you'll see that we're scheduled to talk about the Apple Masters programme... Oh, sheesh, what does Herbie want this time? No, don't worry about Mister Hancock, he's happy with the last truck of G4s. Cool. So, Apple Masters? We need some new ones. Oh, right. What was wrong with the old ones? Well, if you remember, the notes from our last meeting read: 'Pedro, how the [conjugal expletive deleted] did we end up with a dolphin and a bunch of actors representing the glory of Apple.' To which I replied, 'But you like actors...' And you said, 'They're all [reference to reflexive sex act removed] unless they're ray traced'. So I sacked Samuel L Jackson and Jennifer Jason Leigh and confiscated their PowerBooks. The Leigh machine is currently running at $10,000 on eBay. And the Dolphin? Elele has bought a cheap PC and runs Linux, so he was easy. So who are you proposing to replace them with? Remember, the key note I want here is reality: I've had enough of glitz. I mean who cares what Harrison Ford has on his PowerBook? I had anticipated your desires, sir, so my first suggestion is Adam Beckton. Who? You haven't heard of him yet, I admit... and nor are you likely to hear about him in the future. He's an art worker at Fish and Fish, West Bromwich's largest design agency. Sounds good. Yes, well, it's West Bromwich's only design agency, but aside from that he's perfect for a reality slant. He's badly washed, takes recreational drugs far too seriously, spends 12 hours a day at his Mac changing fonts in badly created XPress layouts, and looks forward to getting off and designing covers for his friend MC Pants' UK garage 'Choons'. Great! What do we need to give him? Well, Fish and Fish make him use the IIfx they bought in a fit of madness, so I think an iMac would settle it. Sign him up. I think he sounds grungy enough to balance out the Hollywod fluff we usually hire. I did have someone else in mind actually... Oh, really? Yeah, that astrologer in a wheelchair. I thought we could sign him up. Astronomer. You mean Stephen Hawking. Yeah, yeah, that's him. Well there's a problem. He doesn't want a translucent polycarbonate wheelchair? No, I'm afraid Intel have Mister Hawking pretty much sewn up. Another scientist perhaps? How about the 'bullions and bullions' guy? Carl Sagan? But there's a problem there, too. Not Intel again? No, death. Same thing. Anyway, how's that a problem? Well, the release forms for a start... Nah, it'll be easy. Anyway, we can get one over Intel. They make Hawking talk; we bring a dead guy back to life! But it's impossible! Pedro, you disappoint me. We made Tom Hanks a good actor. It can be done. I'm ringing John Lasseter now... | ||||||
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