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Hello, Mr Burgermeister. It's Wayne calling from Heusen O'Fraid O'Dee Bigba D'Wolf Stockbrokers. Wayne? What happened to St John? He's no longer working on your account, sir. Insider trading, eh? No, not at all. St John Flowers-Pops is still in our Premium Brokerage Division. You have been moved. I'm confused. That's evident from your buy orders, which is why I'm ringing. I have a succession of orders to buy Apple shares here, running through September and into October. Oh, yes, good little company Apple. I should have made a tidy little pile, no? No. Last Thursday Apple warned it was reducing its profit forecast based on weak sales of a thing called a 'Cube'. On Friday the shares fell to a quarter of their worth the day before. By a quarter? No, to a quarter. They tanked. Is that a technical term? No. It's slang. But how can they do that? How much did they lop off the profit prediction? Apple announced that it would be reducing its profits per share from 45 cents to 33. So Apple reduce their profits by 25% and I lose 75% of my investment? Yes. But that's crazy. No. It's like we say around here: 'That's showbiz.' I have three possible explanations. Theory one says that the little people got scared and dumped their money into bio-tech. Well, heck, I'm little people. After Friday I'm a midget! And I'm not scared. Theory two says that the people who short stock for a living - that is, bet on shares that are over-priced - waded in because they smelled easy meat. That's not bad, because shorting means you have to have a buyer for the lower priced stock, so it begins to creep up again. So, all is not yet lost? For you, yes. For everyone else, no. Anyway, my favoured theory is this: the market for technology stocks is a bubble of enormous proportions and the powers that be want to scare people off gently. Seventy-five per cent isn't gentle! Yeah, but no-one cares about Apple. Imagine if this was Microsoft or Cisco. There'd be tanks on Wall Street. Governments would fall. But I care about Apple. And that's where you went wrong. You bet with your heart. Foolish. Now, anyway, back to my call. I note that your buy orders are still unsettled. Well, yeah, I was going to use the profits from my earlier trades to buy more Apple shares. Which is exactly how bubbles happen. Anyway, the upshot is you don't even have enough money to buy a prosciutto and roasted vegetables ciabbatta roll in our canteen. But I have a way out for you... Yeah? Well, here at Heusen O'Fraid O'Dee Bigba D'Wolf we operate a policy not unlike your local Italian. You now have to do the washing up. I don't understand what you mean. You get to work here. As a broker... Well, I dunno. It'll be fun. The market is about to sink like a stone and you'll still make money! Oh, my. That sounds like a deal. Let's dance on capitalism's embers... And do the globalisation cha-cha-cha! Better yet, you can short everyone else's stock as well. | ||||||
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