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Bloody hell, who's died? I can't tell you. You can't tell me? Has someone actually died or are you fooling? I can't tell you. So no-one has died? I can't tell you. This is going to be a really short column if you're not going to contribute. Is this about Postscript RIPs? Nope. Not about PostScript. Ah. Some sense at last. And it's not RIP as in 'rest in peace'? Nope. Which leaves one thing: the Government's Regulation of Investigatory Powers Bill, aka RIP. I really can't tell you. Bingo! You'll be staging some sort of obscure demonstration of one of the most controversial aspects of the Bill: the fact that someone who is required to hand over access to their computer can't tell anyone other than the authorities that they're being investigated. I can't tell you. Thought so. Still, you're not in prison so, obviously, you haven't forgotten your encryption key. I can't tell you that. Well, obviously no. But the fact that I'm here in your office rather than Parkhurst rather gives that away. So you've obviously, like a good citizen, yielded up your encryption key because a senior police officer has managed to persuade some doddering old judge that you're a threat to national security, although that's a secret as well. I really can't tell you. And, because you can't tell anyone, whatever security-threatening activity you're up to - discussing Middlesbrough's prospects with David Shayler or researching nuclear accidents in Sellafield - just carries on, with the police happily reading the email your co-conspirators send you. Effectively forcing you into becoming an informer for the state. Yes, but I can't tell you that, so you don't know, do you? Well obviously I do: if I'd just asked you and you'd said no, then I'd have a reasonable chance that you were telling me the truth, but you told me you can't say, so something must be up. Damn, I knew there was a loophole. Well, frankly that's not the only one, Home Secretary. What about the one where you get sent to prison if someone sends you an encrypted document without the key? That's not a loophole, that's a feature: think of the time it'll save our overstretched judiciary. Anyway [presses intercom], Miss Fielding, take a note: 'Amend RIP, so any discussion of criminal investigations is illegal. Actually no, just make all discussion of anything to do with the Bill illegal.' There, sorted. Brilliant! You really are a forward-thinking Home Secretary, Mr Straw. I especially like the 'turning every Internet user into a Special Branch grass' aspect of the Bill. I have you to thank for that, Winston: I got it from that book you lent me on East Germany. Oh thank you, Mr Straw. I think Britain has a bright future in ecommerce, thanks to this legislation. Exactly, Smith: tomorrow belongs to me. | ||||||
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