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Good morning, J. What toys do you have for me this time? Not toys, Bond, important tools of the trade. Jolly good, I always enjoy a good tooling. Some things never change, do they Bond? Except when I'm Timothy Dalton, J. Well, we'll pass over that unfortunate incident. Anyway, for this mission you have to masquerade as a money-no-object, devil-may-care, style-over-substance dotcom millionaire Web designer. Have I? I thought I just had to sit in a coffee bar in Shoreditch until some American came along with a suitcase full of money. Same thing. Anyway, the first thing you're going to need is a computer. My research team in Cupertino have been busy. Come and look at this. Is it modern art? I wouldn't say modern: it only has a RAGE 128 graphics card in it. Hmm. It looks like an expensive perfume. Where's the computer? Inside. Now pay attention, Bond. You're not doing anything, J. Exactly: it doesn't need anything doing to it. It just sits there, looking plexiglass. Very '70s. I'm sure Roger would have liked this. However, you'll be needing this. Ah, this unleashes into a deadly killing garotte? No, it's a combined VGA and USB cable. You'll need it to make the computer work. So where are the rockets, the razor wire, the smoke bombs, the GPS transmitter? There aren't any. It just looks so purty. Oh, right. So what other gadgets do you have for me? Well, you'll need this. Drugs? J, what are you suggesting - do I drug him when he gets here? No, it's not for him, it's for you. Astoundingly, our psychological profile suggests that you're not actually insufferably arrogant enough to be taken seriously as a Web designer, so you'll need something to boost your irritation factor. Oh, right. I'm wondering... Yes. You're wondering what happens if he starts asking questions about the Web? Exactly. Easy, here's our secret weapon. A brain implant? Deep hypnosis? No, it's a copy of Web@rse magazine. And that'll make me sound like a veteran Web type? Not exactly: it'll make you sound like someone who's only been doing it for six months and knows which acronym follows what and nothing else. Trust me, it'll be enough. Oh yes, and one more thing. Yes? I expect this is what you've been waiting for - a real gadget. A phone? Not any other phone: it's a heavily modified Nokia 7110. A WAP phone. Marvellous. How have you and the boys in J section modified it? Yes. It doesn't crash when you try to open a page. Marvellous. I'll just slip that in my trouser pocket - it should create a good impression with Moneypenny. I've always wanted a WAP phone. Is this the one with the Matrix-style silver button? Indeed: it's just behind the top. Found it? Yes. Is there anything else I should know J? Yes, the flip-cover is sharpened at the end so you can use it as a knife. Bond? Bond! You haven't, have you? Oh, God. Medics! Man down! Man down! We're going to need a lot of blood, I think. Damn, there goes the sequel. | ||||||
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